And that journey starts with this moment of honesty that will hopefully be followed by lots more moments of honesty as I stop frantically searching for the silver lining of every situation and instead just learn to embrace the ugliness, the doubt, the uncertainty, the fear…as all a part of the journey.
This is it, ladies. This is the trenches of single life. Not at all. But neither should we walk around like Tigger all the time…springing when we feel like sighing. Laughing when we feel like crying. And running from our truth by lying. Part of being the heroine of your own life is accepting the bad with the good.
Not dodging it or covering it up or glossing over it to make it look prettier and more pleasing so you can prop it up in the corner and not have to deal with it. And life without both joy AND sadness is a life without balance. The truth is…single life is hard. It lends itself to loneliness and self doubt and fear. And to give everything a more positive sheen in order to make ourselves feel better for the moment actually only harms us more in the long run. So there it is. All of my great big ugly fears about being single. And to go a step further…all of my great big ugly fears about what being single at age 39 says about me.
Order your copy below:. I so needed this today. You just typed my story. Exactly how I feel and where I am at in my 43 year old life. Always nice to be reminded I am not alone. Thank you for your honesty and for taking off your mask. We were not designed by God for this. Your blogs are so well written and inspire me so much. I pray peace, love and prosperity over you my sister in Christ! This was a well timed post. Thank you. I found out today my divorce was final. After 22 years of marriage. I am not sorry I am divorced. I am finding myself again. A renewed version of my pre-married self.
It feels good to be happy again. I will never regret my marriage because there were good times, and the blessing of two beautiful children. They are my heart. But I am sad also, but I know God has a plan for me. How fortunate am I, are we all that the Holy Spirit lives in us, that he will never forsake us, never leave us, and loves us just the way we are. Wait til you are about turn 50 and still be in the same boat. Do they even make bridal gowns for my demographic. Great article. I deserve and will find better. Mandy first of all Thank you for sharing. I will Be Praying for you.
I am also on the Journey of self love, and finding myself and growing in my Relationship with Christ. I needed that God knew I needed that. I am Not Alone!! Like any guy coming into my life would be more of a burden or an inconvenience. I want to be with me, myself, and the Lord. Thank you for your daily encouragement.
Thank you, Mandy! But honey, you are still young. Thank you so much for this blog. I never meet guys either because most guys my age are either still out drinking and partying or are already married with kids. We are all in this together and that brings a certain peace and comfort to me. Seems like we are not alone…. But sometimes it does feel like it…….
Thank you thank you thank you ……. I often think about how long this single and childless train will last. I hate going to dinner with my friends and their husbands and being the 3rd,5th or 7th wheel. Thanks for the post.
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I needed to read it! Thanks for sharing what you are going through as well as your thoughts. Basically taking the words right out of my mouth and several other peoples mouths. When do you ever stop looking for that butterfly in your stomach, wearing the biggest smile ever, the kiss, the passion, when? Thank u Mandy for sharing your truth! Your words means sooo much! Sometimes when you see, what seems like everyone, in relationship you feel like something is wrong with you. Like you aaid we arent alone.
It definitely is hard being single, but thank u for writing what we feel! Mandy, you are absolutely incredible. You have inspired girls of all different ages. I have told SO many girls about your book who needed to read it, and it has brought light to so many. You are incredibly fabulous, and your identity only becomes more and more beautiful. Sending you lots of love. I needed to hear this.. Thanks for sharing the truth. Even if its ugly. Thank you so much for sharing this Mandy.
I was with the same guy since my junior year in high school. We were engaged for 3 years and were renting a house together. Finally we were receiving help to get married and have a wedding to where my whole family and his could come. Our relationship had been an on and off one he had done the breaking up and the crawling back and I would foolishly take him back but this time I was done. I proceeded to not care about my self worth and dove into a series of unfortunate relationships in which more than my heart was compromised. I still feel unlovable, dirty because of my past, and unworthy.
I take it a day at a time and try to believe in the truths that Jesus loves me despite my flaws and failures. Mandy, I loved your writing before, but I believe I love this even more. I married someone two days before turning 31 that I never should have because I was lonely.
I tried to make it work for 13 years, but I finally ended it. Now, I have been single again for 4 years. It is very difficult in the dating world and trying to meet men world. I think you expressed how all we single women feel! Can you lose hope without losing faith? I used to want to love and be loved, I have been told what a great person I am how lucky the man in my would be to be with me but no one has ever stayed, well actually I have never stayed.
Then ask myself what am I giving off? I am faced with people telling me that my standards are too high, that I have high expectations and wanting a good man is a fairytale. I am well aware of the imperfections of man, myself included, I would never ask anything of someone I am not willing to put on the table so how can I be deemed unreasonable and fantastical?? I too will think good of people until they show me otherwise because I believe everyone deserves a fair chance. I am constantly working on myself, trying to gain perspective from the outside in and from the inside out, so I become a person I would like to date.
I love the people who are here for me to love, my family and my friends. Thank you Mandy for always being a beacon of light and sharing your heart and soul with the world to bind us and remind us we are all doing the best we can. Thank you for this! It seems every weekend someone I know is getting married and it is so hard. It is so helpful to know I am not alone.
Thank you again. So much of what you wrote today are word for word on pages of my journal. The worst part of singleness is the shame thrown on you by society and the inability to bring the fear, loneliness, self-doubt, insecurities, anger, and sadness to light. It is only by being honest about those feelings, talking about those feelings, sharing those feelings, and praying over those feelings do they begin to lose their power.
Thank you for being brave enough to share on such a large platform. Those words needed to be said. Those words will empower. I thank you for your honesty. It is very much appreciated. Certainly taking the mask off. This includes church folks and family members. So tired of this question. Mandy, I can positively relate to your article. I wish I knew so I can correct it. Thank you for informing me that I am not alone.. You nailed it! No thigh gap here either. Thank you for being so vulnerable.
Thank you for sharing. It truly was a blessing to read! Thanks for sharing this with us Mandy, I really need it. Thank you for this post Mandy. Yes…we are definitely not alone. I think we all have those thoughts. I know personally, I have 2 or 3 different speakers in my mind telling me things. One says…be patient. One says all those negative things about not being good enough, meant to be alone, defective, etc. I prefer to listen to the first voice. I was married for 13 years, so even though I had that, it was not love.
It was verbally abusive. I did have children, which is such a blessing. I have worked on myself for so long and am so ready for a happy, healthy relationship. The one who fits and stays in our lives….? Thank you so much for your blatant honest Mandy. Thank you for putting it into words. So caught up in my own loneliness and past mistakes and experiences I tend to think its only happened to me.
I will definitely be checking out your blog from here on out. You open my soul and spoke my truth. How will you make a living? Do you have a plan for that? Why in do women still need a man to validate or make them feel pretty? After being married for almost twenty years I enjoy my life to the fullest. It so refreshing to have no one to report to, no one to share with to just be selfish with me in a good way. I have discovered that what most women crave is a fantasy, some really crave sex, whilst some crave companionship but the best company that anyone can have and enjoy is there own.
The first step to enjoying singleness is acceptance and being ok with it. I actually make myself blush when I look at my reflection. I felt the way you guys do when I was married lol. I needed to hear that! I am trying to better myself and I do each day and accept myself a little more. Of corse it helps to better yourself bc it makes acceptance a lil easier. Baby steps. Thank you for this. Made some very bad choices and decisions that have effected not only my life but my kids as well. They are young adults now but I can see the damage if caused them in my decision making.
Single life is just what I feel I deserve my fears and insecurity is overwhelming majority of the time. Thank you Mandy for allowing others to see and fully understand your pain. I stayed strong and walked away eventhough it felt like dying.
And, yes, I am embracing the lonliness and processing …… I am scared. Hi Mandy! I hope and pray you could read this, honestly this day you crossed on my mind. And when I tried to type in the SW website. Thank you for sharing this blog. Here:s the ugly truth about me : I wanted to loose 7kg for 45kg so that I can wear bikinis to impress my boy-friends, girl friends and other people.
And when I achieve all of those mentioned above. I confessed all of these to the presence of God and you. Because now I feel that it is selfish for me to think of myself and my dreams. Being single is not hard. Being married is hard.
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I have been single for the last 5 years I am 40 and I honestly think these have been the best 5 years of my life. Is it easy? Is it scary? Yes sometimes. It just comes with a different set of worries. I have been on both sides. Because your life has been what it is, you are a successful and powerful woman.
Your voice is heard by countless amazing women and they look to you for words of wisdom. So own it and love it for as long as this is your life. But know that it is hard…much harder than the single life. No one will love you more than you should and hopefully do love yourself. This has really helped me bring all my fears of being single to the surface.
In the beginning I was cool with no lables and no categories, no expectations.. This blog really resignate with me and has struck a big emotional cord in my heart. Thank you for sharing the real raw ugly emotions of being single. Thank you so much for your honesty and for truly making me feel that I am not alone. I appreciate your bravery in sharing your feelings. I am so happy that a stumbled onto your blog. The last month I have been struggling more than usual about my loneliness and desire to have a man in my life. It has been pounded in my head over and over that my desire to have a man is so unhealthy and that God is all I need.
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I miss being hugged and loved on. I praying and asking God to give me patience in waiting for my Prince Charming. Blatantly honest…a rare quality today. At a few years older than you, and while still raising a young son, I find myself in exactly the same situation. Then I realized that it was way more than that. Thank you for the inspiration, and I hope one day this norm will just vanish in vain. Thanks for the article. I got divorced two years ago, it was a toxic relationship and he came out as transgender.
Found that out through Facebook , it was safe to say that I had pretty much given up hope after that. Your article basically opened my eyes to the real truth of why I struggled with my self esteem for all these years and I thank you for that. Love is painful and pleasurable. It looks beyond the physical to the soul. To love and be loved for who you were created to be not just a lie or concept of who or what you should be.
I am 36 and looking singledom in in the face again. There has to be something wrong with me to make men treat me this way. I must be broken. Thank you thank you thank you!
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After awhile my esteem was under attack. Thank you for being brave, strong and vulnerable by sharing your true feelings with all of us out there who may or may not be in the same boat as you. Almost all of my cousins are married and most have kids. I want to share the love in my heart with someone who wants to do the same with me.
I feel like I deserve that when I have so much to give and offer. Why would God not want to bless someone with what I have to offer, and bless me with someone who feels the same way? And I want to believe and trust that is true, but still single and no kids or marriage at the age of 39 really has me questioning things. I will continue to pray, not only for myself, but for every woman out there who struggles with being lonely and single. Thank you for writing this.
I just turned 36 and have been single for the past 10 years. Still stuck on my high school sweetheart who has married and have kids. When your eighteen or even twenty-one you think you have your whole life ahead of you. You think you have all the time in the world to get it right for everything to fall into place.
You have to LOVE yourself enough and try to live life to the fullest everyday. Let go of the past and embrace the uncertain future. That is okay. I just never thought I would still be saying this same speech in my mid to late 30s. I just get sad on some days at seeing what others have and longing for the feel of what having a family feels like, even with all the fights and ugliness. I mean, for the most part, I do. I am very much a person that enjoys some part of everyday, but it is just hard to accept that this is my life right now. I never would have thought I would still be single at 38, living in an apt because I cannot afford a house on my own just yet.
It is so hard to go through holidays alone and to want so much to go on a trip with a significant other, but know that it is not going to happen. I am tired of putting up a happy face front so others are comfortable around me. To me, being single SUX. But, being in an unhappy, toxic relationship is far worse. I at least have my beautiful dog, Sadie Jane.
I am grateful that I came across this blog where I can be honest and say what I am feeling without judgment of the people who have what I long for so much. Thank you,. Ever since I was 16 boys always made me feel like they can do better than me and I ways lady to other females. Now that 24 going 25 and men still make me feel the same way. I had one real boyfriend and he treated me horrible for 3 years. I been single since the break up. He makes everyone feel special but me. My friends are married with kids so I barely have anyone to go out with.
I have been feeling really down. I have been cheated on in the past and the great love of my life said he never wanted children or marriage I finally left him alone we would break up and get back together and as much as l loved and wanted him I could not endure anther break up after seven years. I have sad ever day since and my other two serious relationships one left me and married the women he left me for the other was also never get married and he is also married. Even though it hurts so bad I have to believe that God has someone for me that will not cheat on me or be controlling and verbally abusive.
I also have no kids am an only child have no nieces or nephews. I feel really out of touch with others because most people have all these things thanks for letting me vent my frustrations. But I am alone. I literally have no friends and have no idea where to even begin to make any. I feel …. This seriously made me feel not so alone in my singlehood. I think we all have flaws. And a real person with real interest in someone will look to help each other see its only what they see themselves in regards to flaws. Real people see flaws in each other and if they can deal with them, they will love each along side them.
Two exes call me and I hooked back up with them hoping to be involved in a healthy relationship but instead I got a phone call from the both of them with the girls saying they will not be calling me again. I needed this today. So any update from the people commented in or from the blogger herself? I would love to know what you guys have been up to? Are any of you happier now? Enjoying life after spending time alone?
Or did you managed to really stay single for almost a year? Did you really allow your time to heal and date yourself or have you dated anyone? Or now in a relationship? Or maybe hurt again? Have you moved on? How was it? Any achievements? Thank you! I am so sick of People saying you dont need a man! Sick of hearing you need too love you before you can love any one else! We all want to be loved! I LOVE my self! BUT I feel bad for my self! I have lost the love of my life ,,Been cheated on…over looked …and criticized….
I am jealous…. My fear is never finding the right partner,never having another baby and in a way completin my family. I have one son but I always wanted him to have his own sibeing to grow up with. No boyfriend throughout high school. Married at 19 to a guy I knew only 5 month. Divorced 9 years later at At first I relished singlehood and independence. Likelihood of marriage at my age is very slim. Irritating to say the least. Widowed 10 years ago and it was like you read my mind and heart. I have all those same feelings every day. I was married at 18 had my 1st child 5 months later and second child in the same yr I then had my 3Rd 2yrs later and my last 3yrs later, in them yrs my husband had two affairs resulting in 2 children, I tried to divorce him on adultery but he wudnt be honest,so I let him divorce me on unreasonable behaviour I just wanted out, I then married again a few yrs later I knew he liked a drink but not to the extent.
Im 48 and I have vowed to stay single till the day I take my last breath. Sorry but been thro hell over 30yrs and too much hurt,heartache and my wall is back up. But the loneliness is annoying. Thank you for this, made me smile. Oh my word, girl. You are exactly what I longed for forever. There are gentle, caring men out here who want to know what you need. And want to fulfill those needs, and want someone to cherish. After being taken for granted for 25 years, I almost gave up, too. But after 5 years of looking, and hopng against hope, I found her six years ago.
I cannot put into words how happy we are together. God listens to your anguish, and God will deliver. And I am no fundamentalist Bible-thumper. Those people put me off. And then it will only make sense in retrospect. It has been A very hard life! And my loneliness and depression has caused a lifetime of alcohol and drug addiction! It is the only way I can make thru this ugly life of mine! I thought I was the only one That God has forgotten about! Bad Things have always happen in my life! I will be glad when my life is over!
Thank you for writing this and NOT pretending that everything is cheeky and wonderful. After all, isnt that kind of fakeness what keeps many out of the Church? Im My husband left me and according to stae marriage laws, it takea two to marry but one to divorce you and I have no legal right to stay married. What a crock. It has devastated my, destoryed my life. I have no Biblical right to ever remarry and have no children so I know my cross is to bear these things. I pray everyday my husband will come home and for his salvation. Its so messed up.
I struggle every single day and cannot tell you how horribly dreams and lives are broken through divorce. Singlehood sucks. I so needed this thank you for your comments. I have also started to feel very disheartened…. It hurts, it is hard! I just know they feel my sadness sometimes and I wish they didnt! First of all, i like your writing style. And i just read that beautiful, heartfelt story…i am like you. But i am just younger, And i never remember my being beautiful.
But he was too for me. Anyway i am sorry i have no self respect or self esteem or etc.. What would you do? For example when i have my hair cut, i cannot look at the mirror. Maybe i should commit suicide.. Sucks so bad. Seeing other people in love can be really hard at times. It doesn't mean you're not happy for them, but it's definitely hard when you are thinking about your past relationships.
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Love is honestly such a paradox. Sometimes you can miss it a ton and also know that you don't want it back. If you miss being in love, hopefully these quotes helped reassure you that you're not alone in the experience. It can be comforting to know you're not the only one to feel a certain way. It's OK to look back sometimes at what you used to have. But make sure you also look ahead, because there might just be more love waiting for you to find it. By Hannah Schneider. Sometimes you miss the familiarity of seeing your love Sometimes you find yourself wondering, "what if? It's been five years since we last spoke, and I'm happily married now, but you still cross my mind.
I'll always wonder "what if". The thought of us and what we could have been sends me into a tizzy and my makes my heartache. My hope is that [you] are genuinely happy and have found love and live a fulfilled life. You will always have a special place in my heart.
Sometimes you miss having someone to share everything with Sometimes you miss the things that were special to just the two of you They live life, every single second of every single day, for themselves. In a society that encourages conformity, this makes them uninhibited soul warriors. Meeting new people will become a daily occurrence and that will quickly teach you never to settle for less.
You will establish your tribe, a mixture of old friends and new. This magic starts to evolve from day one, the moment you take your first flight, bus journey or boat to a faraway land alone. The kindness of strangers will open up a part of your heart that you had no idea existed. Any stereotypes or tales of whole cultures or lands being dangerous will dissolve as you learn the truth. You will forever be undateable to those average guys and girls. Ah this wonderful dating society we live in, picking people from photos and a sentence about themselves.
Thanks to solo travel, your criteria for a match will have changed dramatically. Life goals and ambitions will now be the most important quality. Office job — swipe left.
Owns a dog — swipe left. Loves spending time with family — swipe left. Cosy nights in — massive scary alarm bells left! Is it a way of life or something you did once on a summer vacation. Pick wisely nomadic friends, or you may find yourself stuck too. These questions are asked every single day but the answers open up whole new worlds of possibility and understanding. Each response kicks open doorways to dreams and inspiration. What is it about solo travel and sleeper trains?! Most average humans love a bit of small talk.
Solo travel is rarely lonely but you will learn to love being alone. Those rare times you bagged a dorm all to yourself and chose to spend the evening writing and exploring what makes you tick. Oh and the endless magical bus journeys, which equalled un-guilty thinking, reading and learning time.
So good luck solo travellers, it takes a special person to understand why you NEED your alone time. Best of luck explaining why you need to go and visit them in their faraway land though! Living out of a bag for extended periods of time became a way of life. Not having anyone to impress or keep up appearances for is liberating. That new pair of jeans becomes a plane ticket, that pair of killer stilettos, impractical for travel.
These material possessions no longer hold the same value as they once did. Getting my golden sun bleached burnt! My wild mane was now a part of me, the travelling me. So making it conform was like an ending. For you now know that these things mean nothing at all and that money could be used on experiences. You prefer them in flip-flops anyway. A solo traveller learns so much, not only about the world but themselves. They never feel the need to agree for ease or to keep the peace. Learning to adapt to new cultures becomes second nature and respecting other humans and their differences is a given.
Yes you will try and educate with your first-hand knowledge but most average humans like to believe that what they read is gospel. Expect a backlash! Routine is now the enemy and spontaneity your life source. You will think nothing of booking a flight on Thursday for an immediate weekend getaway. They may hesitate when you mention this newly forming plan, make excuses about needing time to sleep, watch that box set or get the house in order after a busy week at work. A whole world of opportunities out there and a backpack that looks so rejected lying dormant on your bedroom floor.
Try as you might to conform you will never see settling in a conventional life as a viable option now. Your only solution is to find someone wild and free to run with you. Solo travel made me more dateable so guess that is different for guys. It seems girls are more interested if you have a lot of adventures etc. Also I find that solo travel didnt make you super opinionated, rather made me understand how little I really know. Thanks for this, it put into thoughtful, clear words a lot of feelings I am trying to explain at the moment.
What an incredibly blinkered view of the solo traveller. You are probably that type of person yourself. Dull and totally unoriginal. Everything you have written is absolutely true. It was like I had written it myself but much more eloquent. Once your a traveler your old mates just cant talk to you about anything you find interesting and the girl you strike up a conversation with down the bar just sounds like a small minded yokel.
She want to settle down and have 2. Touche, I find this to be a problem of mine. Appreciate the time spent to write this, it was a delightful and encouraging read to wake up to. Well as an older solo traveller, I do get lonely and miss all the things about a relationship. So I am dateable but not attachable. Their choice has made them happy and they have had experiences i never will and vice versa. And to say travelling alone is rarely lonely is just not true. If the nomadic life makes you happy then fantastic, i certainly couldnt live any other way.
But please dont be so arrogant to think you are special or better than others by doing so. I wish public interest work gave me the freedom or the paycheck that would allow me to jet off for a weekend on a whim. Sick children in developing and war-torn countries do not pay that well. Despite my life choices, I feel like I am worth talking to. You must admit that there is more to life than travel, and that everyday non-traveling people can have a valuable, nuanced perspective. Even towny-yokels have a story to tell- a rich, full story- brimming with challenge, intrigue, love, adventure, misery, and tragedy.
The human condition is complicated, and cannot be distilled to one dimension. I feel for those who cannot appreciate the adventure and beauty in everyday domestic life. I agree with a lot of the sentiments and the energy of the article- but I feel it is very myopic and a bit judgemental. Good read, nonetheless. Jason, an excellent reply.
You are right about the human condition being nuanced and that every person no matter who they are or where they live has a story. Most travelers are not independently wealthy, instead we have learned how to exist on nearly nothing and how to work while traveling.
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